Being a Leader

"Before you lead, you must learn how to follow"

I'm been told that line from my parents, to high school to even college. To walk in another man's shoes is difficult, but to walk in your own behind him is easy. The only problem is that i'm the "another man"

I am a leader, plan and simple. There isn't anything that I can deny in that statement. Being brought up from Cub Scouts under my dad, to playing baseball and basketball under my dad to getting involved in JROTC in high school; for which my dad is a retired Air Force officier; leadership was being feed to me every second of my life through him, I just didn't know it. I saw it more in high school and college more than anything. JROTC in high school was the funnest thing in my life. The whole sense of accomplishment and leadership was overwelming for a high school student. Our high school had the largest ROTC program in the state (it was manditory) for that, there were only 3 african american officiers in the whole program in 2000. Kevin Carter, Veva Wallace and myself. That says something to a school that is 95% african american with 85-90% of the students in or been involved in ROTC. Our school was feared in ROTC, I was one of, if not the best Driller at my high school. It was something that came easy to me, looking back its because I was bread into it.

In college, I didn't continue ROTC because A) Mason was Army, I was Navy B) I could of took classes at UMD - CP, but didn't want to travel. Mason's ROTC called me for 2 months everyday offering me free classes and scholarships based on my high school. Now I am glad I denied it, see that in 2000 America was in better diplomatic stance world wide and now...well, I don't think I would be happy.

In my college days, I found myself taking the helm of all my projects dealing with groups. It seemed no one wanted to do it, so I grab the plate and ran. Did good on all of them, even the ones I didn't put my all into. The one project/moment that stood out though was my senior project. We had a group of 7 people, all of who didn't like each other; but everyone would come to me and express it. I was talking to David one night after class and expressed it to me, he said "It cause your a natural leader Brian". David and I went to rival schools and were on rival drill teams in which he was the Commander. David is a leader himself, but you never hear that from another leader; especially one who is on your team/project.

Even though people came to me with their problems, I had many of my own. Any leader does, especially when something doesn't go right. Its your fault, plain and simple. No one is responsible but you. Thats the risk of it all, its a big gamble. If your team misses the extra point, its your fault even if your not the kicker. Similar to a coach of a sports team. My passion for leading is only beginning, but I am growing tired of planning.

I want to do everything at every moment of the day, but it can't happen and I end up trying to please everyone knowing that I can't. The faults of a leader. Sometimes you got to fall out the leader rank and let someone else do it for once, but its difficult to let that happen. You will be critical of every desicion the person does, almost to the point where you are challenging them for that position.

It might be easy for one to walk behind a leader, but impossible for a leader to walk behind anyone else....

America...

We, as Americans are being fed bullshit every second of our lives. We, as Americans, know we are being fed bullshit every second of our lives. We, as Americans, are tried of being fed bullshit....But yet we do nothing about it? Why?

If you reading this, more than likely you didn't listen/turned the channel when you saw our President walk his way to the podium tonight. I for one, made myself a drink, tried to listen to what he had to say and ended up in my blog. But i'm not here to discuss Bush and all his failures. I'm not here to debate on if he knew about some of the events of his presidenty before they happened. I'm not here to debate if he was a good President or not, i'm here to discuss America...and how we have crumbled.

You can see it in the different generations of America, your grandparents, mother, father, sister, brother. Today, you can joke with a white co-worker about events in the past. You can honestly say that a white person has never called you a "nigger" to your face. You can't relate to your elders about "Black Power" and the movement that followed. Sure, you can read it in a history book, find all the major players in the game and read the street signs that honor their heroism, but thats all we (as a current generation) will ever know. If you ask any black person who is a key figure for how they got here today, they will tell you "Malcolm X, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, the Black Panthers, etc." If you skip ahead 20 years in the future, how would you answer that question? Al Sharpton? Jesse Jackson? Judge Joe Brown???

The black community has failed. We got to a point where society accepted us and quit our fight. I'm not saying that we should rebel against any race, creed or culture; I am merely trying to say that our fight hasn't even begun. Sure, we can ride anywhere on the bus, go to any school, and get any job; any job but the most powerful one in the United States. Its always a thought, "What if he had a black president?"; same for the female gender. Honestly, until we reach that goal, we haven't capture the dream Martin Luther King had. We might be the majority in 20 years, but less of us vote. We might have the numbers, but less of us are educated. We might have the strength, but most of us will fall. The reason why?

We have begun a new fight, a fight that threatens only us. Don't believe me? Turn on channel 5 news, NBC4, News Channel 8. I will put money that a brother has died from drugs, guns, gangs or an accidental stray bullet. We are killing each other, and then have the nerve to question another man's "hustle". 30-40 years ago we were united, and now, divide to the point where we don't assoicate with people who you don't know. We are either educated in books or the street; on the hustle or on the grind, getting paid or just getting by.

Our parents and grandparents worked hard for us to even get to the point where we are now, but what have WE done to carry the torch to our future seeds? Today's world, its NOT all about getting the big pay check, anyone can become a CEO; its not that hard. But to have a story to tell, values to lay down and a guideline of life is something that is hard to grasp. For me, its hard as well. I am educated, but it pains me to see how American view us. The hurricane has further opened MANY people's eyes to that. But will WE have the courage to step up and say something (Thanks Kanye West) or will we sit idle and continue to wallow in the current and not stride for a better future for us?

America, home of the free and the brave. Lets make America home.....

Scared Man...

Have you ever been to the point where your second side comes out and you don't even know it? I believe everyone has a second side to them, a good and evil, ying and yang so to speak. To the person, the sides are hard to tell apart, but to the outside world, it is very clear. Once, someone tells you "you have changed; whats wrong?"; the person goes into retrospect and notices their behavior.

For me, it happens here and there, just like any other person. I am writing about it cause it is happening now. As I type this, i've been told, very forcefully, that i've been "different". To which, yes I can see how I have been. As of the time my "differences" were happening, I thought I was acting like me, but to others, I wasn't.

I've been super stressed lately, for various reasons. I can honestly say that everyone I love the most has contributed to my stress. I'm trying to focus on one person, so if in reading this you find your situation with me, please don't get upset or hold a grudge; I am writing this to free myself of the stress, to help myself and "our" relationship out.

Stressor #1: My housing situation. This one is the biggest one of them all, which, I hope has finally been solved. For the past month, I've tried to find a place to rent for myself, Will and Marcus. Before Marcus and I left Mason, we thought it would be a good idea to rent out a place, include Will cause he is Fam, and live out a couple of years while saving money. From the time of move out at Mason, until today the situation has been a rollercoaster of stress for myself. Many issues have presented themselves between the three of us. From the location of our jobs, to family issues, to kid issues; getting rejected from our first place, to not having a backup plan. To having Will wanting to leave ASAP, me having a move out date and Marcus not being in a rush. Having to find a new realtor, getting everything from everybody, to Marcus leaving the plan. Trying to buy a place, getting pre-approved but can't make the payments, to having a house in North Carolina for the price of a condo in Virginia.

All those issues have been in the last month, not to mention stressor #2: New Job

From Aug. 1 to currently I have been working at Nortel/Pec. A new job, new people, new style of work. Great place, nothing against it yet. A little history lesson for you, PEC was bought out by Nortel; a merger if you want to call it that. So, with two companies coming together, you have twice as many employees. With IT, there are NEVER to networks which are the same, meaning that the IT team of PEC was going to be super busy. Semi knowing the situation going into the job, I was thrusted into the lions den. For up to 11 hours a day, it has been non-stop working. A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, work work work. My lunch breaks where taken up with phone conversations about our housing issues.

Stressor #3: Aug/Sept

These two months are the most stressful months cause of all the birthdays and "life situations" that take place. Lets see, Grandpa, Mom, Sister, Lauren birthdays in Aug; during a span of 3 consectutive days. Mine on Sept 18; school starts up during this time frame, which means interns from work are not working 9-6 anymore. Also means school buses on the road during rush hour...

Stressor #4: Traffic

Not too big of an issue, I don't mind my commute. Gas will become an issue now, but the one thing that pisses me off is one intersection. The intersection of HWY 210 and Old Fort Road. There are two turn lanes, two straight ones. For some reason, people like to make an invisible third turn lane out of one of the straight ones. I, am ALWAYS in the second (from the left) turn lane, so I get people cutting me off turn a left turn! It is VERY upsetting, cause I have a notion that "Your time isn't more important than mine". Shifty moves in traffic is stressful, cause you might get hit, you might get caught in the middle of the intersection and just the sure gall of people who cheat the system is upsetting. I would hate to miss work cause someone ran into my car when I am doing the right thing.

Stressor #5: My Car

I love my car, its the first possession that I can honestly say is mine. I like taking care of her, but she is becoming a pain. I installed my own sound system, one cause I think its over priced to get a professional to do it, and two it was a fun side project for me. I learned a lot, not to mention I know exactly where everything is and how it all works. Lately she has been cutting out on me, which isn't that big of a deal, but I can't find the reason why. It one of those things that just nags you more than anything.

Stressor #6: Various People in my life

Everyone has a problem, and they are quick to tell me about it, mention it or ask for advice. I can only think of one person who has asked me if i'm alright, and she asked me that about an hour before I wrote this blog. She saw a different Brian and wanted to know whats wrong.

Whats wrong with me??? Besides all the things mentioned above, when all those things come to you at one time, I tend to lash out at people. The reason for it is cause I am scared. For once in my life, I really don't know what to do or how to handle things. Leaving Fort Washington and really living on my own. Not having my dad ask me how my day was or talking to my listening buddy (AKA Smokey). Its already been a challenge to not see Lauren on a daily basis, though I don't show it, I miss her more than I express. Knowing that her schedule is going to be hell, I don't want to look forward to it, but this weekend I can tell it has started. My $300 headphones fell apart as I was listening to music about two hours ago. Not that they were super head phones, but my dad gave them to me as a christmas gift and now they aren't worth anything.

Also, this might be strange, but I don't like talking about myself. I rather write it down. I could of answered Lauren's question about "What is wrong with you" and told her all this, but I didn't/couldn't. When I am in a position of being scolded, I calm up. I've always done that. Besides showing any emotions during an agruement, I have a calm, no expression look on my face. Its not that I am not paying attention to anything, its that I am looking at myself from the outside and seeing how much of a different person I have been.

I read my Bible almost everynight, I read daily passages and insite from people who have a story to tell. I read one of the other day about how hard it is for a man to accept he was wrong. Its strange, but true. It VERY hard for me to say "I'm sorry". It might have something to do with pride, but screw it, I think I owe someone two words, followed by three and a kiss......*excuse me*......