Scared Man...
Have you ever been to the point where your second side comes out and you don't even know it? I believe everyone has a second side to them, a good and evil, ying and yang so to speak. To the person, the sides are hard to tell apart, but to the outside world, it is very clear. Once, someone tells you "you have changed; whats wrong?"; the person goes into retrospect and notices their behavior.
For me, it happens here and there, just like any other person. I am writing about it cause it is happening now. As I type this, i've been told, very forcefully, that i've been "different". To which, yes I can see how I have been. As of the time my "differences" were happening, I thought I was acting like me, but to others, I wasn't.
I've been super stressed lately, for various reasons. I can honestly say that everyone I love the most has contributed to my stress. I'm trying to focus on one person, so if in reading this you find your situation with me, please don't get upset or hold a grudge; I am writing this to free myself of the stress, to help myself and "our" relationship out.
Stressor #1: My housing situation. This one is the biggest one of them all, which, I hope has finally been solved. For the past month, I've tried to find a place to rent for myself, Will and Marcus. Before Marcus and I left Mason, we thought it would be a good idea to rent out a place, include Will cause he is Fam, and live out a couple of years while saving money. From the time of move out at Mason, until today the situation has been a rollercoaster of stress for myself. Many issues have presented themselves between the three of us. From the location of our jobs, to family issues, to kid issues; getting rejected from our first place, to not having a backup plan. To having Will wanting to leave ASAP, me having a move out date and Marcus not being in a rush. Having to find a new realtor, getting everything from everybody, to Marcus leaving the plan. Trying to buy a place, getting pre-approved but can't make the payments, to having a house in North Carolina for the price of a condo in Virginia.
All those issues have been in the last month, not to mention stressor #2: New Job
From Aug. 1 to currently I have been working at Nortel/Pec. A new job, new people, new style of work. Great place, nothing against it yet. A little history lesson for you, PEC was bought out by Nortel; a merger if you want to call it that. So, with two companies coming together, you have twice as many employees. With IT, there are NEVER to networks which are the same, meaning that the IT team of PEC was going to be super busy. Semi knowing the situation going into the job, I was thrusted into the lions den. For up to 11 hours a day, it has been non-stop working. A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, work work work. My lunch breaks where taken up with phone conversations about our housing issues.
Stressor #3: Aug/Sept
These two months are the most stressful months cause of all the birthdays and "life situations" that take place. Lets see, Grandpa, Mom, Sister, Lauren birthdays in Aug; during a span of 3 consectutive days. Mine on Sept 18; school starts up during this time frame, which means interns from work are not working 9-6 anymore. Also means school buses on the road during rush hour...
Stressor #4: Traffic
Not too big of an issue, I don't mind my commute. Gas will become an issue now, but the one thing that pisses me off is one intersection. The intersection of HWY 210 and Old Fort Road. There are two turn lanes, two straight ones. For some reason, people like to make an invisible third turn lane out of one of the straight ones. I, am ALWAYS in the second (from the left) turn lane, so I get people cutting me off turn a left turn! It is VERY upsetting, cause I have a notion that "Your time isn't more important than mine". Shifty moves in traffic is stressful, cause you might get hit, you might get caught in the middle of the intersection and just the sure gall of people who cheat the system is upsetting. I would hate to miss work cause someone ran into my car when I am doing the right thing.
Stressor #5: My Car
I love my car, its the first possession that I can honestly say is mine. I like taking care of her, but she is becoming a pain. I installed my own sound system, one cause I think its over priced to get a professional to do it, and two it was a fun side project for me. I learned a lot, not to mention I know exactly where everything is and how it all works. Lately she has been cutting out on me, which isn't that big of a deal, but I can't find the reason why. It one of those things that just nags you more than anything.
Stressor #6: Various People in my life
Everyone has a problem, and they are quick to tell me about it, mention it or ask for advice. I can only think of one person who has asked me if i'm alright, and she asked me that about an hour before I wrote this blog. She saw a different Brian and wanted to know whats wrong.
Whats wrong with me??? Besides all the things mentioned above, when all those things come to you at one time, I tend to lash out at people. The reason for it is cause I am scared. For once in my life, I really don't know what to do or how to handle things. Leaving Fort Washington and really living on my own. Not having my dad ask me how my day was or talking to my listening buddy (AKA Smokey). Its already been a challenge to not see Lauren on a daily basis, though I don't show it, I miss her more than I express. Knowing that her schedule is going to be hell, I don't want to look forward to it, but this weekend I can tell it has started. My $300 headphones fell apart as I was listening to music about two hours ago. Not that they were super head phones, but my dad gave them to me as a christmas gift and now they aren't worth anything.
Also, this might be strange, but I don't like talking about myself. I rather write it down. I could of answered Lauren's question about "What is wrong with you" and told her all this, but I didn't/couldn't. When I am in a position of being scolded, I calm up. I've always done that. Besides showing any emotions during an agruement, I have a calm, no expression look on my face. Its not that I am not paying attention to anything, its that I am looking at myself from the outside and seeing how much of a different person I have been.
I read my Bible almost everynight, I read daily passages and insite from people who have a story to tell. I read one of the other day about how hard it is for a man to accept he was wrong. Its strange, but true. It VERY hard for me to say "I'm sorry". It might have something to do with pride, but screw it, I think I owe someone two words, followed by three and a kiss......*excuse me*......
For me, it happens here and there, just like any other person. I am writing about it cause it is happening now. As I type this, i've been told, very forcefully, that i've been "different". To which, yes I can see how I have been. As of the time my "differences" were happening, I thought I was acting like me, but to others, I wasn't.
I've been super stressed lately, for various reasons. I can honestly say that everyone I love the most has contributed to my stress. I'm trying to focus on one person, so if in reading this you find your situation with me, please don't get upset or hold a grudge; I am writing this to free myself of the stress, to help myself and "our" relationship out.
Stressor #1: My housing situation. This one is the biggest one of them all, which, I hope has finally been solved. For the past month, I've tried to find a place to rent for myself, Will and Marcus. Before Marcus and I left Mason, we thought it would be a good idea to rent out a place, include Will cause he is Fam, and live out a couple of years while saving money. From the time of move out at Mason, until today the situation has been a rollercoaster of stress for myself. Many issues have presented themselves between the three of us. From the location of our jobs, to family issues, to kid issues; getting rejected from our first place, to not having a backup plan. To having Will wanting to leave ASAP, me having a move out date and Marcus not being in a rush. Having to find a new realtor, getting everything from everybody, to Marcus leaving the plan. Trying to buy a place, getting pre-approved but can't make the payments, to having a house in North Carolina for the price of a condo in Virginia.
All those issues have been in the last month, not to mention stressor #2: New Job
From Aug. 1 to currently I have been working at Nortel/Pec. A new job, new people, new style of work. Great place, nothing against it yet. A little history lesson for you, PEC was bought out by Nortel; a merger if you want to call it that. So, with two companies coming together, you have twice as many employees. With IT, there are NEVER to networks which are the same, meaning that the IT team of PEC was going to be super busy. Semi knowing the situation going into the job, I was thrusted into the lions den. For up to 11 hours a day, it has been non-stop working. A few breaks here and there, but for the most part, work work work. My lunch breaks where taken up with phone conversations about our housing issues.
Stressor #3: Aug/Sept
These two months are the most stressful months cause of all the birthdays and "life situations" that take place. Lets see, Grandpa, Mom, Sister, Lauren birthdays in Aug; during a span of 3 consectutive days. Mine on Sept 18; school starts up during this time frame, which means interns from work are not working 9-6 anymore. Also means school buses on the road during rush hour...
Stressor #4: Traffic
Not too big of an issue, I don't mind my commute. Gas will become an issue now, but the one thing that pisses me off is one intersection. The intersection of HWY 210 and Old Fort Road. There are two turn lanes, two straight ones. For some reason, people like to make an invisible third turn lane out of one of the straight ones. I, am ALWAYS in the second (from the left) turn lane, so I get people cutting me off turn a left turn! It is VERY upsetting, cause I have a notion that "Your time isn't more important than mine". Shifty moves in traffic is stressful, cause you might get hit, you might get caught in the middle of the intersection and just the sure gall of people who cheat the system is upsetting. I would hate to miss work cause someone ran into my car when I am doing the right thing.
Stressor #5: My Car
I love my car, its the first possession that I can honestly say is mine. I like taking care of her, but she is becoming a pain. I installed my own sound system, one cause I think its over priced to get a professional to do it, and two it was a fun side project for me. I learned a lot, not to mention I know exactly where everything is and how it all works. Lately she has been cutting out on me, which isn't that big of a deal, but I can't find the reason why. It one of those things that just nags you more than anything.
Stressor #6: Various People in my life
Everyone has a problem, and they are quick to tell me about it, mention it or ask for advice. I can only think of one person who has asked me if i'm alright, and she asked me that about an hour before I wrote this blog. She saw a different Brian and wanted to know whats wrong.
Whats wrong with me??? Besides all the things mentioned above, when all those things come to you at one time, I tend to lash out at people. The reason for it is cause I am scared. For once in my life, I really don't know what to do or how to handle things. Leaving Fort Washington and really living on my own. Not having my dad ask me how my day was or talking to my listening buddy (AKA Smokey). Its already been a challenge to not see Lauren on a daily basis, though I don't show it, I miss her more than I express. Knowing that her schedule is going to be hell, I don't want to look forward to it, but this weekend I can tell it has started. My $300 headphones fell apart as I was listening to music about two hours ago. Not that they were super head phones, but my dad gave them to me as a christmas gift and now they aren't worth anything.
Also, this might be strange, but I don't like talking about myself. I rather write it down. I could of answered Lauren's question about "What is wrong with you" and told her all this, but I didn't/couldn't. When I am in a position of being scolded, I calm up. I've always done that. Besides showing any emotions during an agruement, I have a calm, no expression look on my face. Its not that I am not paying attention to anything, its that I am looking at myself from the outside and seeing how much of a different person I have been.
I read my Bible almost everynight, I read daily passages and insite from people who have a story to tell. I read one of the other day about how hard it is for a man to accept he was wrong. Its strange, but true. It VERY hard for me to say "I'm sorry". It might have something to do with pride, but screw it, I think I owe someone two words, followed by three and a kiss......*excuse me*......
posted by BMass at 22:15
1 Comments:
I just wanted to drop a note to let you know that I enjoy reading your blog entries. I think it's great that you're not ashamed to put your feelings out there for anyone to see, because it's important to reflect and to know yourself and be proud of the person you are continually becoming.
your girl's cuzzz- Jennifer
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