Self Reflection

...what makes you the man/woman you are today? Is it the way your parents molded you? Is it your own self knowledge? Its it the love you have from various people, places and things? What makes us "us"?

One can argue that all those things make you what you are today, I don't believe so at all. The question is this, "What are you, who are you and what do you want to become?" Those questions, are the the foundation of what ones life should be made of. If you don't know yourself, then you don't know the world, you don't know your friends and you will never control your future. How do I know, well cause I can't answer the three questions and thats where I am at now.

Every road has a pothole in it, its up to you to fix it and keep on moving, but what if your potholes become bigger and bigger to the point where you just accept it. The only way you can see those potholes is when someone else tells you about them, in which then, you don't want to accept it cause of "something" that you can't explain? An excuse maybe? Or the realization that you aren't doing that you should be doing. Its one thing to have everything you need in life, but its another to posses what is yours and have CONTROL over it.

So where does that leave you? In the middle of the street not knowing to take a step back or to press forward knowing your mistakes. Stuck in limbo, cause for once, only you can make the call. Not knowing How, Who or What to do....hence, nothing answering the question.

You can easily fool yourself into thinking you know the answers and just blert out any answer, you know in your heart you have no idea what your talking about, but to save some sort of face, you lie to yourself into thinking that its the right answer. Boys lie, Men don't. A Man will know that he needs to work on those and to get his act together so that the answers will come with a notion; a notion that people will understand that he is where he needs, wants and has to be. Don't be fooled cause its not confidence; confidence is when you tell your boss you want a rasie, or you help a friend with a serious problem; to know the answers to the questions isn't something that is visible to the outside world, but a connection to your soul that lets you know that "everything is going to be alright".

Its a long journey to find the answer, I might as well start now.....

Old Friends.....

When we were small, we used to have that set of friends you always hung out with in the school yard. Talking about Nintendo and Genesis more than talking about stocks, bonds and how your going to get your school loans under control. The days when you couldn't wait until recess so you can go play basketball or kickball in the field. The days when you were more likely to have life long friends than people you knew in school.

Back in the day, talking about our own mothers and fathers, they didnt have the means to be able to connect to people as fast as there sons and daughters. Really, I can hook up with some old school friends from Potomac Landing within minutes due to the internet, facebook, blackplanet, instant messaging and if need be; the phone.

What got me thinking about my old friends, or people I knew in high school was the fact that one of them asked me a question on facebook the other day. Erika Goodrich (who's name is going to change soon I guess) was a sweety back in the days (I have no doubts she still is of course). We went to the same elementary, middle and high school. We were cool, didn't have anything bad against one another in in elementary school she "dated" (can you call it dating in grade school???!!!??) one of my closest friends Chris Marshall. Chris was part of the videogame group in elelmentary school, he also played baseball with me on my fathers team. He was real cool, but moved away when we were in 5th or 6th grade. So, while up one night checking facebook I wrote her a lil note about her "bling rock" in one of her pictures. She replied and asked me if I heard from Chris. It was one of those moments in life when you sit back and the past slaps you across the face, and you can do nothing but smile. But it also got me thinking about how people who were your "boys" are doing.

Talking to another one of my high school friends who is also on facebook; I asked her about a couple of people who she hung out with in high school. She said some people graduated and are working and some lost contact, but most shocking are the ones who you thought were going to "rule the world" but ended up not getting that dream that they had in high school. You know the people who are voted "Most likely to exceed" but in actually don't. Its mind blowning cause in HS you saw that they were going to go to college and do something big, its the last thought you had of them before everyone parted their own ways to go to college/military/work force.

Makes you wonder how people saw you in high school, and what they "thought" you did with your life. Many people are shocked that I didn't go into the military after they saw that I was doing it big in high school. I think that was the best desicion I made in my life; cause the world isn't what it used to be. I don't think people would be shocked that I am doing something with computers, as people knew I was a computer geek back in the day. Other than that, I don't really know what people thought of me in high school, I hope it was something positive though *also, I hope they write what they think as well, as I am going to send them this in their facebook*

Its been 5 years, since we walked across that stage wearing red, white and blue (can't say Patriot was I was one after high school) I wonder if people will come to the reunion, who will be there and the stories they will bring. I see some friends in high school have hooked up, still together as friends and hang out, which inside of me makes me happy. I have nothing to do with it, but its good to know that someone who has seen you at some of your youngest and immature times can now see you as a man/woman and remember and conversate about the days when we did some of the stupidest things in life.

I hope all is good in their lives, I hope they achieve what they need to, I hope I see them again...

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

-Red played by Morgan Freemen Shawshank Redemption

My Mold

...tall, slim, great sense of humor, leader, dependable....Race??? Well, by looks he is African American, but not by his actions, manners or style.

I asked myself and my girlfriend a simple question while watching BET the other day. The video that was being played was Nelly's "Grillz". I asked, "Babe, why do black people pick the dumbest things to make the newest trend?" She laughed, but then realized I was serious. She said, "Because we always want to be the newest and trendiest". It kind of stuck with me, seeing that people, African Americans are advertising the dumbest thing. I mean, really, a "Grill" made of diamonds, gold and platnium? What sense does that make? Why not just chew some coal and call it a day?

I seem to be missing something, I dont know what it is or if the problem is with me rather than society. I see what my people are doing and think it is stupid. I see the wackest fashion, the stupid songs and the dances that go with them, the worst language to be said to any human being. Its not just the people who "live in the ghetto" or have hard up bringings, in corporate american I see my people wanting more money for no reason, wanting a position that isn't fit for them and never happy with the position they hold. Or, better yet, want another job to get stuff that they want, but don't realize that they can have it if they think!

My mold is different, be it that I have a strong upbringing, outstanding friends and a girlfriend who is "my heart"; i depend and get my ideas from them. Not the TV who is stuck on putting the most ignorant stuff on when school kids are home, not the radio who plays "Gimma that pussy" at 730 in the morning (Hell of a way to wake up huh???), not the "streets" cause I am from and will try my best to stay in the 'burbs. Its not a thing of not being "black" anymore, its a thing of being "too black"

Do you think our great grandparents fought for freedom for you to by a '64 Impala? Get some 23' rims and a sound system that can be heard from miles, but have no job, no credit and sling drugs on the block? Or to complain about a job that has but gas in your bucket and food on your plate just cause other people got BMW's and Lexus's??? No, No and once again No.

Just cause my mold is strong doesn't mean that I lost my "blackness", its that I embraces real "blackness" and incorporate the world into it.

How's your mold???