Missed Your Calling?

One day at work, I was talking to a co-worker, I made a slick, smart and educated comment to her, which made her laugh. I followed up with a side joke which a couple people in the office heard and laughed for a good minute. The co-worker, stopped laughing, and said "Brian, you missed your calling. " I looked at her puzzled, "Are you trying to say I suck at IT?" I said in a fun overtone. She replied "No, but your one of the funniest people I have met"....

Its not the first time I have gotten that line from a person, so it didnt shock me, but it made me think about your "calling" in life. I never wanted to be a stand up comic, nor do I have any plans on doing it. The other night, I was talking to my dad and he asked "If you can do it all over again, what would you be?" I normally don't look into sentences like that, but it got me thinking about what I would try to do differently if I had another chance.

I've always been a people person, I can go somewhere and make a friend in a heartbeak, or I can chill and do my thing. I like learning about people; its a good trait to have in this world. If you know where a person has come from and where they are going, you can get a idea of who they are and what they want from life. Most people will tell you their life story, if given the opportunity, might ask you for advice on a similar situation in your life.

There is one thing people don't know about me, which I will outline now, I want to interview two people before my time is up. Not anyone in particiular, but one people from two different groups. I want to interview them at the same time, same table. Those two people would be a CEO of a multi-million dollar company and a homeless person. I want them to see that they aren't that different, the only real difference is material things and money. The story might be the same, or completely different. All three of us still put our pants on one leg at a time, still strech when we are tired and still daydream. I would bet that all three of us would come away with a new view on life...a new "calling" which could still be a bulls eye.....

A Wo/Man's Soul...

A man; a woman, come together on a special night. 9 months later they are blessed with a child. For myself, my parents had 2 special nights and I was the result of the second one. In today's world, its very hard for many to cipher on what a family is today. With adoption, the pro-choice, pro-life battle, homosexuality; it can get a little confusing to anyone at any given time. As for me, its not; not by far. I follow where my soul came from; a soul that only a mother can give...

I guess the first question is, "Why did your mom give you a soul and not your father"? Granted its a good question and might differ between people, but I think in your own heart your soul is a result of a mothers love. Be it, male or female, your mom has known you through your whole existence. From the time of the "special night" to the time you reach God himself, until you meet up again in the afterlife. A mother's love is something that really can not be expressed in words, but you can see if in everyday life as they work with their child. I recently went to Lauren's BBQ this past weekend, and her and her mother are very similar in the way they "parent". Please don't mistake the world "parent" as a word for raising a child, but more of a way they both work to accomplish a goal, that's not dealing with work, dealing mostly with family situations. As Lauren put on the BBQ, her mother was her "right hand woman" through the whole ordeal. Was it a shock to me? Not at all, I have seen the both of them pull off amazing things, this past weekend being one of many. I guess this would be a good time to Thank her for bring up a woman who can fuss, argue, love and cherish the author of this blog :)

The day after the BBQ, I went to see my own mother...the mother who gave birth to me, as I have about 4-5 "mothers" in my life. I can say with no remorse that me and my mom are almost the same person. I have known that ever since I was alive, which is why I coined the title "A Wo/Man's Soul". My mother and I have a connection, one that only me and her have. We know when something is wrong and know when something is right. I talk to my mom, but not as much as my dad. I worry more about my father more than my mom cause I know that she is alright. Its weird, we communicate when we need to, but don't think that the times were we don't speak is filled with hate, remorse or guilt. I have gone months without talking to her, but never worried about her, if I did I would call her that very second. Were my dad I talk to weekly/daily to make sure he is ok. (Nothing wrong, but just checking in).

Back to this past sunday, as I sat in my mom's house, I took in the atmostphere, quiet, simple, and relaxing. No computer, nothing too flashy. A place where I can come and feel at peace. Its like a relaxing vacation when I visit. The atmostphere also is a testiment to her as a person, she is everything good in me. I always believe that your "good" side comes from your mother and your ego/athletics and your "drive" comes from your fathers side.

Mothers are the single element that I feel that every man needs in his life. A mother is what makes that child she carried for 9 months into a man who will then pick someone to which he feels can be a great mother to their own children. That old saying is true, men want their wifes to be like their mothers...and honestly, I don't think I can lose on that one....

Love Ya Mom....All of 'em

Your worth....

If I was to give you a billion dollars right now, no strings attached, no re-payment plan; but a billion in cash...do you think you would be worth more to me then the person who didn't get anything? If you answered yes, you better check your morals, and you better re-evaluate my view on yourself...

Money isn't anything to me, and honestly it shouldn't be for you as well. If you think about the stuff you have, the stuff you always wanted and finally got...where is it now? As a teen and young adult I valued a persons worth by the money they made, the cars they drive and the homes they live it. As I continue to grow and get into positions where I am able to get the same stuff as a much younger adult, I see that it is pointless. The things you want to value in life don't come with a price tag, don't have TV's in the dash, don't have an elevator in the dining room. You should be value your family, your religion...what ever it is, and don't judge anyone else on their, your friends, your relationships and the good times with those people.

I'v told myself that if I were to pass in my sleep (Lord Forbit) that I wouldn't be upset at my short life. I have done, meet, and achieved some great things in my 22 years of living. The only thing that I would be mad about is not passing on the "Massie" name. Everything else is mute to me, my car, clothes, videogames, house. I'm not saying that you should get a Honda Civic when you can afford an Accord, i'm not saying that you should get a 2 bedroom when you can get a 5, i'm saying that the items/things you cherish in live shouldn't be materialist.

I value each word that is said to me, be it serious or funny, from a friend or stranger, it is a lie or true. Which is the reason why I write a blog, I don't expect a hemp of people commenting on my material (even though it would be nice) I value people's insite, it makes me a better person. Especially from long time friends and family, they wouldn't steer you wrong. You might disagree, but thats life.

Moral of my post, when someone talks to you, speak back, hold a conversation, cherish their insite. Don't get hung up on having the latest and greatest, cause it won't be after you get it.

Your own HIStory....

I have to admit I have been worried about my heart lately. Not my physical heart, though I need to get the 'ol ticker checked out, but my mental, physical and "soul" heart lately...

If I asked you this question, "Who would you die for?", who/what would your answer be? Its a hard thing to think about, cause first off no one wants to die, let alone have the person you save grieve for you. Its scary, I know, but write this not for you to answer the question, but to look at each member of your family, each friend you have, your pet; or maybe something materialistic.

This afternoon, I was sitting in my office; reading. I never really liked to read, but this one "article" caught me, as it should, and I begun to re-read it. Its a never ending article, in fact, I am mentioned quite a few times through nickname or flat out by name. The article is written from a first person point of view, and outlines the authors life. The hardships, the good times and the "whateva" times. This article, this author, is none other than my bestfriends diary.....

My bestfriends all started to write a log, or diary, of our lives in our senior year of highschool. X-Clan, my brothers from a different mother, all wrote and commented on our writings. Funny, cause its because of James I am writing this about William. Odd, but I guess a brothers love can come from something as simple as writing a comment to a blog. Let me give you a history lesson on us, X-Clan. We have 5 members, Myself, William, David, James and Alex. All friends from high school, Alex being the only person who was actually "met" in high school. The rest of us all grew up together. Personally, I knew James the longest, being in Cub Scouts with him, David the second longest, then Will and then Alex. But Will and I became closer faster than the others. Will and I's friendship spans over a decade, we have truely seen each other in our worse moments and our best moments. I am extended family with him and vice versa, to the point before college we were never not hanging out unless we were in school or doing school activities. Of course, with us going to different colleges, we didn't hang out as much, but thats for another blog.

This is about Us, the way we were and the way we are now. Williams diary is 1 of only 2 members still active. I have read every word of every entry and comment, and today I was re-reading them. I have to say, we had some wild times. When you go back and read your history, or the history of a brother, you see how you were and what you ment to them. As I read from the beginnning, I saw that I called on him for advice through my senior year; I saw that he was worried about me and my attitude towards woman. I saw that he was more open with his attitude and his feelings. Through his writings, I felt his pain, his happiness and his "whatevas". I got to the year 2002 and cried...

Why? Cause I feel that I have taken my bestfriends love for granted. I could easily blame it on growning up and numorous situations, but its not those at all. As I see in the early days, we were brothers, but now we are more best friends. Scary thought when you think about us. I can honestly say that I don't like it and will work to change it, but I have to admit that I have been wrong. I've been too critical with him, jump to judgement and not listened at all. Its not always about what I think he should do, but what he wants to do. I want to reach out to you and listen to what you have to say, I want to give advice that helped me back in the day like you used to. I want to go out, do nothing like we did in the past.

We have changed, through our different experiences, but we need to get back on the one accord. Lately you have been depressed, to which brings me down more than you think. I sit at home...I sit at home thinking about ways to make it better, something that will bring you out, but I can't. Not bacause the ideas I come up with are bad, but because I don't know what is fully depressing you. So now on, i'm going to be that person that you can lean on, as I should of been from day one, as I was until who knows when.

I remember you told me that if anything happens to me, you don't know what you would do; you also said you would get a tatoo to remember me IF something happened (Lord, Forbid). Thinking back on it, I shouldn't of told you don't, cause I would do the same if the roles were reveresed. But then again, going back to the orginial question stated above....he shouldn't have to worry about that answer.........

Humbling Yourself....

Life is hard, there is no deny that. If you think about how hard it is for you to get up in the morning, let alone without lying there until the song goes off or hit the snooze button. Just getting up to start a new day, one that might be better than the one before or worse, is something I guess a lot of people don't want to do; or too lazy to turn that alarm clock off.

How do you get through the day? Do you spend it looking at the clock wising that the time would somehow go quicker, or the hope that your watch is broken and a hour too slow? Or do you stay so busy that by the time you look at your watch, its quiting time? Or are you one of those people in the middle, how know how to manage their time, between the good and bad at work, only to escape the days, waiting for that pay day?

I know I am the latter, i'm thankful that my job has to do with certain peoples lack of knowledge of basic computer techniques, AKA, something that is big and scary to one person is something that I delt with either many times before in the past or so simple that it an issue that I can fix quickly.

Look on the many days and many different issues I have seen in the world it IT, I have yet to really see one that has completely stumped me to the point where the only logical answer is the computer has soul....which I hope never happens. Which is why I titled this entry as humbling myself. What I am doing now, basically help desk issues is boring and pretty easy for something who has a degree in IT, but yet, many companies are using it as a stepping stone for future IT professionals (as if thats a term we *IT Folk* can use when we basically steal everything) At the end of the day, I had a talk with a couple people in my work place, about the people, issues and strange stuff they have seen on the job. There is one person who is in their 40's, the same job as myself, and has been with the company for more than 10 years. I'm puzzled by that, I would be horrified is someone who is HALF my age is at the same level I am. This is were humbling myself comes into play. I have, in the past and knowingly in the future will complain about how much I get paid blah blah blah. I think its everyones dream to win the lotto and live on a island, but the majority will work and continue to work. Some work for less and do more work, and some work less for more pay. I have to balance that aspect of my life. Even though my salary is great for a recent college grad, I still have ALOT to learn, not only at work and in its environment, but also in the politics and bullshit that comes with it. Its a job that not only I have to manage, but also those who are recent grads as well. We might be independant and got jobs, but your still being looked at, talked about, review, evaluated, questioned, tested...you might never go back to school to learn, but your getting tested everyday....and it starts with that alarm clock...

*beep* *beep*

Who's Life are you living?

I've come to a conclusion that people live their lives through someone, or try to model a relationship/life committment from past experiences. People use this model as a base for their mission in life and through the "life lessons" picked up or not picked up, they mold into the person they want to be.

Let me give an example, myself of course.

I have two role models in life, one is my father and the other is Jerry Rice. Most people who know me know that Rice is my favorite football player, but he is much deeper than that. I was in California visiting my grandparents, I grew up loving the late 80's early 90's 49ers cause I got into a fight with my dad as a child and said I would stop being a Steelers fan. Laugh all you want, we still hold a battle in the household. I was in high school when I went to see my grandparents and I was watching sportscenter. They did an interview with Rice, and of course at that point, he was just my favorite athlete. During the interview which took place in his injuried year, they asked him how does it feel to be on the sidelines due to his injury. Rice, who has never been injuried before start to cry saying, "It hurts to see your team doing bad and you not being able to come out and help them". When I saw that I damn near cried....

Why? Think about sports today, currently the biggest athletes have been with more than one team either cause of difficultly with team mates (Shaq), team going down the tubes (T.O.), more money (A-Rod). When you have a prime athlete who is distraught cause he can't help his team, it is RARE. Very Rare! Not to mention, when the 49ers where not going to bring him back, he gave thanks to the fans of Frisco and got a standing O. With him, its about Pride and the love of the game. He is a father and has a dedicated work ethic, not to mention the greatest reciever ever....

Not to down play my pops, but the Rice story is better than his...hehe.

My dad, who has molded (somewhat) me into who I am today. Either through his good times, his good lessons and great values, or his fuck ups, I because the person I am today. But to the original question, who's life am I living???

Taking a step back and looking at what I have, want, need, and desire; my morals, thoughts, values and my accomplishments. I can safely say that my life is now starting to become my own. Thinking back on the last 5 years at lunch with an old college mate, I can see how I have grown and become independant; not completely, cause no one can ever know everything, but I have engraved lessons from the past that are now taking shape....time will tell if those will further guide me, or restrict me....