Boulevard of Broken Dreams
....have you ever sat back and thought about something so much that it replays in your head, which in turns makes you more upset at the situation and the people it involved? I've been dealing with it ever since this summer. Everyday the scenerio plays in my head, I can't let it go nor the feelings around it; some are good, but most aren't. I haven't mentioned the scenerio since the week it happened, for which the parties since made up and everything was suppose to go back to normal (though I don't know what that was before the scenerio). I will tell you about the incident and then tell you about the lie....
Imagine, great people; best of friends, a diploma saying "Your educated" and the sun on your back; the very thought of "worries" is no where in site, the only site you see is open ocean, the only sound you hear is crashing waves and the smell.....oh the smell of fresh air, not that of a city, town or even on land. I'm talking about a recent crusie that most of the people I cared about went on, seeing that four of the people in the group just graduated and getting ready to start "real life". It was suppose to be a time of relaxation, a time of happiness and a time, honestly, to get real "s**t faced". If you never been on a cruise, you need to! Its the greatest feeling to have everything at your fingertips. Gambling, games, clubs, food (everywhere and anything).
So, a bunch of us are on our "after college vacation/cruise" having a good time. I'm with Lauren and my boy "the peoples cop" most of the time, as they didn't really know anyone beside myself, Lauren, Marcus and Will. We were having a blast, the people's cop and I got "s**t faced" a couple of times and Lauren and I chilled and took in the atomsphere. I mentioned there was a club on the cruise; it was more like a lil dance area where they would have hip hop songs playing on certain nights/times and "our" generation would come there and chill. Needless to say that there were other people on the cruise, some older, some younger. No problem there, everyone was suppose to have fun.....suppose to have fun.....
This is where the episode happens, through my outlook on it, as I was there first hand. There was a "playboy" on the ship, guy that we made fun of cause he clearly was out to get females; you know the type, wheres the white tee, the belt buckle with his name in it (Clark....) and tried to push up on every girl in the club.....hence to the problem coming.
So one night, we all go to the club as a group, I am there with Lauren, her cousins, her brother, Marcus and Will, having a few and chillin as we did. Lauren's cousin, who was being eyed the whole time on the cruise was "dared" get on the dance floor (which was empty) and start dancing...an obvious ploy to get people on the floor. So, of course in the sheer of having a good time she did, which was like blood to a shark! Within about 15 seconds, Mr. Playboy comes on the floor, to which her cousin came off and sat down next to Lauren. I, laughed cause it was funny, until he put his hands on my girl and said something "dirty".
Exit: Educated Black Man; Enter: Kick a nigga's ass Man
I was about 4 feet away, came to home boy and pushed him away from my girl to which she got up and went behind me, as that happened everyone in "our" party came to help....everyone but.....
I remember a conversation I had with my father, he asked me if I had ever been called a racial slur before...I thought about it and said "no". He said, "if someone does, knock them on their ass, that is one of two times you can hit someone without making me upset, the other is protecting your family."
I hold those words to my heart everyday of my life, and trust me, that line came to me in the situation. Everything became slow, beside the talk that was going on. I remember eyeing this dude up getting ready for whatever, I had Lauren's brother to my left, he was ready as well, her male cousin to my left, and Lauren, her cousin and Marcus right behind me. I remember the talk, but nothing happened. As we parted, Will comes to me and says words I will never forget "You shouldn't of done that"........
Out of all the people who I mention, he would be the last person I thought would say that, and at that moment. My bestfriend, my road dog, the only male outside of blood that I would take a bullet, car, posion, anything for...saying "I" shouldn't have done that. I'm not denying his words, cause I do agree with them, but he is suppose to be the person who gets in trouble with me, he is suppose to be the person who lies for me and me for him, he is suppose to be my getaway driver and vice versa; he is suppose to be my....my.....best friend.......
Its as if 12 years went to shit in one sentence; that one sentence took my life, I was stabbed in the back only to say "et tu brute?" as my eyes closed. Needless to say, the rest of Lauren's family (including her grandmother, mom, uncle, and aunt) hear the story and asked me about it first thing in the morning. Which makes the matter even worse was what her grandma said to me, after I told her the events she reply, "Thats what your suppose to do in that situation, you protect the people you love". My heart, already broken was re-shattered again. Not cause of what I did, I didn't care what anyone said, when Lauren pulled my arm back I knew that she was safe....thats all that mattered at that moment. But the feeling that "protecting someone you love"...I honestly thought "Who would be there for me?" and I still think that to this day. If I was in trouble, who would be the first to run over the horizon? Who would be the first to look for me? Who would be the first one worried? I used to know that answer, but now I don't know, which makes every damn night cold...every night fearful, EVERYNIGHT UNCERTAIN....
Since then, I have managed to lie to myself saying, "He is grown, he can make it on his own"; but everytime I say that I think back....back to when I was surrounded by troops, but no general, back when I was ready to go to war with no partner and my feelings remain cold....Until this weekend. Me being sick, I stayed in on friday and didn't plan to go out this weekend (didn't go out) Will got a promotion and he was amped, but no one really communicated to him (partly cause his e-mail timing was screwed). Lauren said she would take him out to a drink; later Marcus said he would as well. On friday he disappeared....no one heard from him. Lauren and Hogg asked am I going to call, I replied "No, he is grown"; but honestly, I didn't want to cause I didn't want to hear something bad....I didn't want to get greeted by a voicemail message, I didn't want to be greeted by someone asking did I know "a young, black male, 6'6 in a black murino". Why would I think that? Well cause I don't know who that is who is in the room across the living room. In my mind, William died that night in the club, someone took him from me; to which I am scared every day for I don't know him and he will not let me in. Me, a 12 year vet; someone who has been there in family crisis's, personal crisis's, a damn family friend! His mom has called me son, his father has yelled at me as if I was his own, I envy'ed his parents for still being together when mine own went their separate ways! His relationship with his sister has driven me to get closer to mine....but yet.....we don't know each other.
No one, not even my love, knows how much this hurts, I sit in my room and play a videogame that we played back in the day, I see records him and I set and I cry! I cry, for what? We don't even know. I am crying as I type this; cause even though I am closer to certain people right now, nothing, NOTHING can replace 12 years of best-friendship.
Why can't I let it go? Why can't he open up? Why can't we get back to our earlier days....why can't "we" be "we"???
Imagine, great people; best of friends, a diploma saying "Your educated" and the sun on your back; the very thought of "worries" is no where in site, the only site you see is open ocean, the only sound you hear is crashing waves and the smell.....oh the smell of fresh air, not that of a city, town or even on land. I'm talking about a recent crusie that most of the people I cared about went on, seeing that four of the people in the group just graduated and getting ready to start "real life". It was suppose to be a time of relaxation, a time of happiness and a time, honestly, to get real "s**t faced". If you never been on a cruise, you need to! Its the greatest feeling to have everything at your fingertips. Gambling, games, clubs, food (everywhere and anything).
So, a bunch of us are on our "after college vacation/cruise" having a good time. I'm with Lauren and my boy "the peoples cop" most of the time, as they didn't really know anyone beside myself, Lauren, Marcus and Will. We were having a blast, the people's cop and I got "s**t faced" a couple of times and Lauren and I chilled and took in the atomsphere. I mentioned there was a club on the cruise; it was more like a lil dance area where they would have hip hop songs playing on certain nights/times and "our" generation would come there and chill. Needless to say that there were other people on the cruise, some older, some younger. No problem there, everyone was suppose to have fun.....suppose to have fun.....
This is where the episode happens, through my outlook on it, as I was there first hand. There was a "playboy" on the ship, guy that we made fun of cause he clearly was out to get females; you know the type, wheres the white tee, the belt buckle with his name in it (Clark....) and tried to push up on every girl in the club.....hence to the problem coming.
So one night, we all go to the club as a group, I am there with Lauren, her cousins, her brother, Marcus and Will, having a few and chillin as we did. Lauren's cousin, who was being eyed the whole time on the cruise was "dared" get on the dance floor (which was empty) and start dancing...an obvious ploy to get people on the floor. So, of course in the sheer of having a good time she did, which was like blood to a shark! Within about 15 seconds, Mr. Playboy comes on the floor, to which her cousin came off and sat down next to Lauren. I, laughed cause it was funny, until he put his hands on my girl and said something "dirty".
Exit: Educated Black Man; Enter: Kick a nigga's ass Man
I was about 4 feet away, came to home boy and pushed him away from my girl to which she got up and went behind me, as that happened everyone in "our" party came to help....everyone but.....
I remember a conversation I had with my father, he asked me if I had ever been called a racial slur before...I thought about it and said "no". He said, "if someone does, knock them on their ass, that is one of two times you can hit someone without making me upset, the other is protecting your family."
I hold those words to my heart everyday of my life, and trust me, that line came to me in the situation. Everything became slow, beside the talk that was going on. I remember eyeing this dude up getting ready for whatever, I had Lauren's brother to my left, he was ready as well, her male cousin to my left, and Lauren, her cousin and Marcus right behind me. I remember the talk, but nothing happened. As we parted, Will comes to me and says words I will never forget "You shouldn't of done that"........
Out of all the people who I mention, he would be the last person I thought would say that, and at that moment. My bestfriend, my road dog, the only male outside of blood that I would take a bullet, car, posion, anything for...saying "I" shouldn't have done that. I'm not denying his words, cause I do agree with them, but he is suppose to be the person who gets in trouble with me, he is suppose to be the person who lies for me and me for him, he is suppose to be my getaway driver and vice versa; he is suppose to be my....my.....best friend.......
Its as if 12 years went to shit in one sentence; that one sentence took my life, I was stabbed in the back only to say "et tu brute?" as my eyes closed. Needless to say, the rest of Lauren's family (including her grandmother, mom, uncle, and aunt) hear the story and asked me about it first thing in the morning. Which makes the matter even worse was what her grandma said to me, after I told her the events she reply, "Thats what your suppose to do in that situation, you protect the people you love". My heart, already broken was re-shattered again. Not cause of what I did, I didn't care what anyone said, when Lauren pulled my arm back I knew that she was safe....thats all that mattered at that moment. But the feeling that "protecting someone you love"...I honestly thought "Who would be there for me?" and I still think that to this day. If I was in trouble, who would be the first to run over the horizon? Who would be the first to look for me? Who would be the first one worried? I used to know that answer, but now I don't know, which makes every damn night cold...every night fearful, EVERYNIGHT UNCERTAIN....
Since then, I have managed to lie to myself saying, "He is grown, he can make it on his own"; but everytime I say that I think back....back to when I was surrounded by troops, but no general, back when I was ready to go to war with no partner and my feelings remain cold....Until this weekend. Me being sick, I stayed in on friday and didn't plan to go out this weekend (didn't go out) Will got a promotion and he was amped, but no one really communicated to him (partly cause his e-mail timing was screwed). Lauren said she would take him out to a drink; later Marcus said he would as well. On friday he disappeared....no one heard from him. Lauren and Hogg asked am I going to call, I replied "No, he is grown"; but honestly, I didn't want to cause I didn't want to hear something bad....I didn't want to get greeted by a voicemail message, I didn't want to be greeted by someone asking did I know "a young, black male, 6'6 in a black murino". Why would I think that? Well cause I don't know who that is who is in the room across the living room. In my mind, William died that night in the club, someone took him from me; to which I am scared every day for I don't know him and he will not let me in. Me, a 12 year vet; someone who has been there in family crisis's, personal crisis's, a damn family friend! His mom has called me son, his father has yelled at me as if I was his own, I envy'ed his parents for still being together when mine own went their separate ways! His relationship with his sister has driven me to get closer to mine....but yet.....we don't know each other.
No one, not even my love, knows how much this hurts, I sit in my room and play a videogame that we played back in the day, I see records him and I set and I cry! I cry, for what? We don't even know. I am crying as I type this; cause even though I am closer to certain people right now, nothing, NOTHING can replace 12 years of best-friendship.
Why can't I let it go? Why can't he open up? Why can't we get back to our earlier days....why can't "we" be "we"???
posted by BMass at 22:23
5 Comments:
Boyhood friends grow up and "Thangs" change. As we mature our thoughts, attitudes and disposition changes. So, Coop is right, you need to sit down and discuss where a person is coming from. A simple, "Would you have my back if I had to go to blows?" will tell you alot about a person. The worse thing that can happen to you is to expect the calvary to be there and it isn't and tyou have to go into a grave situation alone. Maybe a night out for drinks and a talk will help the both of you sleep better. But you have to admit people grow up and change and you have to adapt to the changes.
Deep bro...I think since both of you are "grown men" you both should be able to sit, speak, and end this beef goin on before you...12 years is definatly a sign of family man. You two are brothers...if one of you do nothing then tha last 12 years will be a waste.
I mean, if Nas and Jay Z can squash tha shit they had...anyone can (:-P)
see this is why i love readin ur blog.. at first when u was talkin bout the cruise...(Exit: Educated Black Man; Enter: Kick a nigga's ass Man) u had me rollin lmao..(o yea i wasnt actually there when it happened.. i went to get a calzone and when i came bak to the club thas when i found out lol) but yea ne way then as i read on i saw tha tone get serious, and as u was talkin bout will it got me thinkin bout me and my boy who I've known for the past 11 years (out of 17.. since kindegarden) basically the same like how u said will is like fam 2 u...but yea i mean theres been times where we was pissed off at each other or jus like f**k it do wat u want i don care...but at tha end of the day he still ya boy... i mean u said u known him for 12 years.. so he prolly the kid who spent a night ova ya house and yall stayed up playin video games all night (or vice versa).. and now yall came full circle livin together lol... Nintendo to Xbox360 lol but yea seein as how yall do live together i agree wit wat i think lauren and koop said.. yall gotta meet up and talk face to face wit all tha bulls**t aside and keep it real wit wat u gotta say...
haha look at how me readin ya blogs got me soundin like ima grown man lol
everyone is saying the obvious answer - talk to him. i think the biggest problem with yall friendship is communication...there is none. understandable because you're both men and men aren't usually outward with their emotions. i mean yall can have an easy conversation about computers and video games, but when it comes to feelings you both shut down. its easy to talk to females about it (cuz we r good listeners :) but when it comes time to approach each other you're not comfortable. so meanwhile you make assumptions, automatically view the other as wrong, not supportive and so on. ASSumptions can clearly get u into a lot of trouble; if u just take the time to TALK to one another and COMMUNICATE - and when i say this i mean approach the situation with an open mind and heart, be willing to listen, and be willing to confront your imperfections - then you both will see that there have been a lot of misunderstandings.
12 years of friendship is not worth losing; u know what u got to do....
Damn homie,
You've let this eat away at you since last summer, that's damn near a year. Plus you live with the same "Brutus" that you're talking about, damn. That must've been difficult and must still be considering you two share living quarters.
Sometimes it's easier to "let things ride" meaning you don't do anything and pretend that everything is kosher dill like the pickle. But what that really is doing is just letting your emotions sit and fester like an untreated wound, and like an untreated wound the infection grows, which is evident here.
Another choice is to slowly or abruptly terminate the friendship. Which is never easy to do but you may think its necessary to do so if this situation was not a one time thing but moreso a pattern of behavior and the cruise incident was the straw that broke the camels back. Only you can decide that.
The third choice is to salvage the relationship. You will have to do some real soul searching and truthfully find it if you can move forward from this. Finding forgiveness doesn't mean that the guy has to ask for it, but you have to truly want to forgive and forget.
If its any comfort, everybody goes through something like this a few times in life. If it weren't for the pain we couldn't truly and fully enjoy the good times in life.
Just my thoughts.
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